Ramblings

Date: Mar 10, 2008

Ramblings

Current mood:humorous


The thoughts in this post may have come from a myriad of influences such as:


1) a life’s journey that has been both far right and far left and learning to find my balance in the extremes


2) a sinus infection


3) a body that is hormonolly unstable with pregnancy. I am in NO way complaining, just pointing out mere scientific facts and if you happen to disagree with the effects of pregnancy then that proves that you have not and will not ever be able to house a human life inside your body’s cavities, sustain it, birth it, smile about how wonderful it is, and be happy to do it again.


4) suffering from momnesia (for those of you who don’t think this is a valid diesease please visit www.momlogic.com, and re-read number 3. I dare you to be a non-believer


5) listening to, avoiding, and/or dealing with a temper tantrum from a 16 mo. old nearly once, maybe twice, a day and trying to communicate to him that what he did was not acceptable and there are consequences for behavior like that (and then feeling guilty for the way that you sometimes strangely act like a 16 mo old in an adult’s body)


*Disclaimer: No one is forcing you to read this. It is your choice. It is also your choice to comment and mine to comment back or not (depending on whether the comment is smart-ass-like or philoshophical-like will determine whether I comment back or delete it) That said...here it is.


The female body is so excruciatingly intricate it is so undeniably frustrating at times for us and for our husbands. Yesterday, after going to church and gaining some good out-takes (specifically on relationships and the work that MUST go into them) I felt numb for some reason. Yesterday afternoon Eric asked me if I was all right. I said yes, but no. I felt like crying. Hell, I felt like bawling and not stopping for a while!! I asked him to just hold me. A lot of times, I will get real quiet and almost introverted when I’m about to learn something. I’ve found He prepares me mentally and physically way before the thing actually becomes a thought with form and consistency in my conscience. I don’t know if this has been a mold for my thoughts or not. I have been going to church again. Now, it’s not that I have discontinued my relationship with God all these years, (but I certainly have not fanned the flame consistently either). I don’t think that it is something to feel guilty or ashamed of-it is a part of life, the ups and downs. If we were meant to be perfect, the fruit wouldn’t have been frickin’ bitten in the Garden of Eden in the first place!! I’ve realized some things that have hindered me from darkening the door of a church. Not that the act of going to church is holy or commendable in itself. It is the why and what you do with it, that is the important part. I spent every single weekend of my childhood in church and then years upon years of performing in churches before going to PNG. It was something I really had no choice in. Not that I didn’t like it. I did. But it became a habit. Something I did w/o thinking and feeling. Now I am going to church b/c I truly want to. I am going not b/c I was a preacher/missionary kid. I’m not going b/c it’s expected of me by other people. I’m going b/c I have an actual yearning to and that’s b/c of God. It took a while. People have judged me and I don’t care. They do not know the heart. There is a season for everything. The flowers and trees would not bear fruit and bloom if there was no dormant season. Just b/c you feel a void does not mean you are worthless or insignificant or lacking anything. It could be a growth season even when you don’t feel it. Yesterday’s sermon was on relationships. The point was brought up that Love is the thing that keeps relationships alive and growing. It is the greatest thing you can give God, your spouse, your children, your friends. Even before faith and hope, there has to be love. But, love has to have action. We can have faith and hope in God, our husband, whatever, but without the actions of love it is nothing. It is motion with no emotion. It is void. Empty. Numb. Unfulfilling. It was said that we need to go back to our first love, rekindle the passion, put more fuel on the fire. Take action and remember what sparked the relationship in the first place. Sometimes we get so involved in the activities of life that we lose our ’flame’. For anything to grow and prosper it takes commitment. Time. And great effort. We have to want to live life with a passion. We have to want to cultivate our relationships to keep them strong. Today I have felt that I’m just walking thru my days without emotion. I don’t have anything to keep me going. No ambition. Just the day-to-day responsibilities and they are getting old and boring. I need to build up the fire again too. I want to be ready to wake up and tackle the day and whatever it brings. I want to be able to laugh when things happen, not get upset at the extra work. I want to take each moment and remember the blessing that life is! When I get like this I start writing down little things that I am thankful for: My husband who cares and provides for me, our son who is a reminder that life is precious and very valuable, our house.....and I start feeling so much better about my daily routine and the blessings I have in my life. And that’s what it’s all about.